Just like Martha's except less green and more dead.

When I planted the seeds I imagined a cute little tree sprouting to keep me company in the kitchen. One that would occasionally bear exotic fruit which I would use in salads and baking a la Martha Stewart. When people questioned where this fruit had come from (because people do that), I would nonchalantly mention that I had grown it myself. "But in, FEBRUARY?!?" they would explain. I would cooly brush it off as if it were no big deal... as if the plant had basically gown itself, picked itself, and chopped itself up for my salad. This was the fantasy eluded to by the compostable packaging that my little tree seeds came in. I failed to compost the packaging and I failed to grow a tree.

The packaging claimed that in as little as six weeks a grower could expect to see fruit and, well, five weeks later, there I was, still staring at a pot of mud. My curiosity got the best of me today and I went rooting through the mud to see if anything was going on "down there" and not a single speck of green had started sprouting. What gives? I watered it regularly. Loved it. Talked to it. Gave it a sunny little perch. All I got was mud.... and I have two guesses why;

1. it was a gift given to me by a classmate when I move to Ottawa... two and a half years ago. Perhaps I was supposed to plant the seeds 16 months ago? Perhaps then they would have grown.

2. there may have been a night or two that I forgot to take it off the window sill and froze my little germinating baby in it's sleep.


I have a bad track record with plants. I've been known to mistakenly weed up entire rows of cucumbers and carrots from my parents garden, and there was that time I drove through my mom's flower garden with the lawn mower. My herb garden dried itself out before I had a chance to turn it into anything. On my second try I asked a green-thumber for a bit of advice. She told me not to water too often and to water before the sun came up or the little water droplets would burn holes in the plants. So there I was waking up at 4am, worried that I was watering too little or too much. I succeeded to keep my basil, lemon balm and mint plants alive long enough for us to use them, but failed to keep straight which plant was which. Needless to say, we ended up with lemon balmy pesto and some rather minty gazpacho.

This matters because for the first time in many years I'm going to be able to have a real garden. I've already put in an overly enthusiastic order to Vessey's and am indulging myself with daydreams of cauliflower, beets, pumpkins and artichokes fresh from the garden. Does anyone have any tips or words of advice for someone with a handicapped green thumb? Has anyone ever actually grown artichokes?